the dancing elephant

The dancing elephant in the circus that charms the crowd. The cheers die down and the gay crowd leaves. Instead of sleep, there comes an uncomfortable awareness. This is not the life I am destined to live. I am more than this.

That’s how I feel at times. Like I am just another dancing elephant.

I tell myself that I won’t care for public recognition. I tell myself that I will be my own man. And yet after every couple of months when I check up on things, a lot of decisions in my life were based on what others will think. It’s got less place for me and more for people who won’t give a hoot if I turn around and die tomorrow.

So what does this make me? It’s an uncomfortable question. I have spend years not asking it. I guess I know the answer too well.

However, I want to grow. I crave for a better me.

Anki tells me that the way to go is not to tell people too many things. Let them keep guessing what you are up to. If they ask then you can avoid the question. Or even better you can lie and tell them that things are going great, even if they aren’t.

How does that help? Well, it helps in one way that people will be at bay and you can keep doing your own thing. It does have its plus points. However, it lacks honesty. I don’t want to live a lie. I want to be myself no matter how things are going. Like that Howard Roark guy, or even like Forest Gump.

I know I don’t have to care about what people will think. I can tell myself that people don’t count. I can tell myself that they don’t matter. I can keep doing my own thing and forget the rest.

That is what I tell myself at these analysis sessions. But things slip up. And at the end of the review sessions I am back to being the dancing elephant.