being sure

I have spent many years being ‘sure’ of what I want.

A blind cowboy riding his horse. Throwing the lasso around with all sound and fury.

Once in a while he would snare something and get dragged along.

why this?

This whole ‘lost in the wilderness of Mumbai’ thing. I see no joy in this. I feel frustrated. I feel like I am some china doll kept on a window display. Every idiot who walks by can stare at me.

I don’t understand why did I pick Mumbai? Why not Musorrie, or Mohanagar or Mangalapuram? Why am I torturing myself in this crowded city? Why am I living in this 10’ x 8’ room with nine other people? Why did I travel 1500 kilometers from home to stay in some cramped up room with truck drivers and not have a clue what my next step would be?

I experientially know that pain is very instructive. The mental trauma involved in confronting problems is very educative. It’s all towards the higher purpose of making me stronger, wiser and more experienced to handle life. Borrowed this entire philosophy from The Road Less Traveled. And yet, on some days when I wake up, all this seems like such senseless self torture. There is no direction that I am going in. There is nothing that I am driven towards. This existence of mine is as meaningless as the one before. This is some kind of watch-myself-walk-over-hot-coals syndrome.

Climbing up hill is no fun if there is no down hill to roll down on. One can’t always swim against the tide. I need my down hills too. I need easy times too. I need some rewards stacked up against my ‘risks taken’ column.

Today I am confused, disappointed and perhaps even somewhat disillusioned.

a day less ordinary

I had a completely spontaneous day today.

I slept on a lakeside bench by a fort in Udaipur. I woke up to the sounds of someone calling out to his God through a minaret. The voice reverberated through the fort. I could feel his devotion. I could also feel his pain. Through his voice, his life sort of unfolded in front of me. He was calling out to his God, to come save him.

I got up from there and drove down to another lake nearby. I trekked along the lake. Picked up the stones that were lying by and tried to make them skid along the water. After a while I got bored.

So I went for a walk through a garden on the other side of the lake. The air around the place had a very earthy smell to it. The flowers weren’t in bloom but the garden had a well trimmed look.

Later I went driving up the hills of Udaipur. When I reached the end of the road, I parked my bike and went for a walk. I walked on through the dream landscape. There was absolute silence all around except for the steady crunchy sound of my shoes on the unbroken ground. When I reached a place where I knew I would have just enough energy to walk back to the bike I sat down and listened to the silence.

On my way back I found a liquor shop. Bought couple of beers and got drunk. Sat on my bike and watched the sun set behind the hills.

Each moment that I lived today was better than the one before. Each moment that came to meet me passed on memories that I will carry around for a long time.

If I were to do this day all over again would I make the same choices?

If not, then what were the other wonders that this world had in store for me today?

who am i?

Sometimes I feel that somewhere in my past life I must have been an adventurer, an explorer, scaling mountains, trekking, walking miles on, alone, at peace with myself and yet always restless.

Sometimes I can see myself as a professor, a history professor to be more specific. I wear specks and a bad suit. Lead a quiet passive life. A life relegated to books and learning. A peaceful life that moves just enough to give evidence of life.

I can also see myself as a monk. The bald head, the Buddhist robes. I can feel the serenity, the power that comes out of quiet inner peace. I am one with this world and everything in it.

At times I can picture myself as a flamboyant businessman, the maker of dreams, a man of this world. I can see people reading about me. I wallow in power and fame and riches.

I can see my present life. See myself in the past. The school boy who wanted to be a great orator, the confused college graduate, the post graduate chasing an endless dream of having 'enough' money.

And I see myself now. Poised in mid air. Ready for flight, ready to take a direction. Whatever I decide in the next few days could very well define me. Whichever way I turn is a new road, a new set of me-s waiting to happen. I have managed to put myself in a situation that is difficult to come to. I have managed to break myself free from everything.

Now I will choose.

Every aspect of my life I will choose. What do I do for a living, what thoughts I think, what life style do I follow, what values do I hold. This is the time for independent thinking. This is a chance to be my own person.

I know that once I have the right questions, the answers will follow. My task is to set myself the right questions.

So here’s what I think my questions are:

From the countless visions that appeal to me which one should I choose?

Which ones will make me happy?

In which all ones hides the real me?