downside of life

What’s with these lazy perpetually tiered days. These passionless days. These protracted days that lumber on without any hope. And whatever happened to those days of fire, days when 24 hours just didn’t seem enough. Now 24 hours seems like such a drag. I am afraid I’ve lost all interest in life, in living. My self-talks, the pep talks, are getting less effective. I can see the lies that I feed myself with.

I don’t seem to be ‘sparked’ by anything any more. Nothing sets me off. I am a mechanical robot set loose in this world of shifting sands. My pre-programmed responses are increasingly proving to be ineffective. My emotional repertoire consists of gloomy, very gloomy and dead. Not kicked by anything or anyone. Used to be that I had ideas but little will to drive them to actualization. Now even the ‘ideas well’ has dried up.

Most of the time I am tiered and just want to sleep. But sleep isn’t restful. I wake up and realize there is nothing that I want to do. There’s no place I want to be. There’s no one I want to meet. And I don’t want to relapse to a state of beating myself up into doing things.

Like a troubled insomniac twisting and turning in his bed. All his thoughts trying to fight off the knowledge of the dark sleepless hours that stretch on before him.

I feel that I am locked inside this giant clam, being squished from all sides by some invisible forces that are trying to drain out a juice that isn’t there.

I am tiered of all this. I am tiered of the quick fix responses and the counter arguments. Tiered of my halfhearted ‘Action Plans’. Tiered of trying to fix what is wrong in my life.

Try as I might I cant seem to out argue my hopelessness. When there isn’t anything to look forward to, what arguments can I give myself?

The face that I see in the mirror, my savior, is too damn depressed to save me from this hell right now.