fear

I am on a road trip. This is the first time I am traveling alone so far and for so many days. The first two days were a pain. I reached unknown cities and searched for a place to stay in. On both days I had to travel around 25kms within the city and check out 10 hotel before I found anything that fit my budget. This caused a lot of stress.

I had a dream yesterday. In this dream I saw myself in a hostel. I was the only one who didn’t have a room. I was running from place to place, looking for a room to stay in.

The weird part is that even when I was dreaming, within this dream, I realized that this entire episode was a playback of the basic fear that I had: the fear of being without a roof on my head in a strange place.

In my diary I had written about another dream in which saw myself stranded in the middle of nowhere pushing my bike along. This again reflects on a fear of mine.

This long solitary trip was supposed to address my fears. However, I just seem to be replacing my old fears with a set of new ones.

Why am I so afraid?

the dancing elephant

The dancing elephant in the circus that charms the crowd. The cheers die down and the gay crowd leaves. Instead of sleep, there comes an uncomfortable awareness. This is not the life I am destined to live. I am more than this.

That’s how I feel at times. Like I am just another dancing elephant.

I tell myself that I won’t care for public recognition. I tell myself that I will be my own man. And yet after every couple of months when I check up on things, a lot of decisions in my life were based on what others will think. It’s got less place for me and more for people who won’t give a hoot if I turn around and die tomorrow.

So what does this make me? It’s an uncomfortable question. I have spend years not asking it. I guess I know the answer too well.

However, I want to grow. I crave for a better me.

Anki tells me that the way to go is not to tell people too many things. Let them keep guessing what you are up to. If they ask then you can avoid the question. Or even better you can lie and tell them that things are going great, even if they aren’t.

How does that help? Well, it helps in one way that people will be at bay and you can keep doing your own thing. It does have its plus points. However, it lacks honesty. I don’t want to live a lie. I want to be myself no matter how things are going. Like that Howard Roark guy, or even like Forest Gump.

I know I don’t have to care about what people will think. I can tell myself that people don’t count. I can tell myself that they don’t matter. I can keep doing my own thing and forget the rest.

That is what I tell myself at these analysis sessions. But things slip up. And at the end of the review sessions I am back to being the dancing elephant.