what i'd rather forget

I used to know someone who was intelligent, honest and passionate. There was magic in her words. She smiled often and I wanted to hug her every time she did. She had this swirling flocks of untamable sprightly things for hair. She was charming. She was girlish. And she was a person I used to know well.

When I talked to her it was like talking to the person I hoped to be someday. I felt relieved to know that there was someone like her out there in this world.

We spent hours on the phone. I let her have the most unembellished version of my past. I told her of my biggest fears, the most disappointing failures and the most painful setbacks. I told her of the triumphs I had achieved in life so far. I wanted to stand naked in front of her without hiding behind any kind of a lie.

It has been two months since I last saw her. More than a month has passed since we last talked over the phone. I thought that I had managed to put a lot of distance between her and me.

Today I went to drop my cousin home. He lives near her place. It had been a while since I last drove through that road that leads to her house. The sights and sounds of that road. It reminded me of the other times when I had passed through it, engaged in some delightful conversation with her. I even passed the corner right next to her house where we used to stop and talk, before she walked back home.

I came back today feeling lost and alone. I didn’t know that I missed her this badly.

What roads did I take in life so that I am at this juncture where I desperately want to call her but know that I can’t, and I won’t?

"The most dreadful thing that can happen to a man is to become ridiculous in his own eyes in a mater of essential importance." - Kierkegaard